Billy No-Mates
By Steve Sharp
Billy No-Mates is the poignant title of Max Dickins’ new book in which he explores the problems men can have with maintaining friendships. Women it seems, are much better at it.
When Max proposed to his girlfriend, he realised there was no one he could call on to be his best man and soon realised that he wasn’t the only straight man struggling with friendships.
He makes it clear that all men are different and that the same rules do not necessarily apply to the intricacies of gay men’s relationships.
For decades, countless studies across the world have confirmed that men have fewer close friends than women – and the problem gets worse the older men get.
In 2021 The Survey Centre reported that 33% of men had only two close friends and 15% had none at all!
Dubbed ‘The Male Friendship Recession’, the statistics show that over the past few years male friendships have been in steep decline.
It appears there are any number of reasons why, the first dating back to boyhood. Young boys make friends easily at school and grow very close to them, but as they reach adolescence boys become less willing to share emotions and confidences in the way that girls do.
This behaviour continues into adulthood and so friendships exist at a surface level of playing a sport, going for a drink, or having a laugh rather than an emotional bond. Men it seems, save their emotions for when they have a partner or wife with whom they can exclusively share their feelings.
Men who continue to live where they grew up have the best chance of keeping best mates, whereas those going off to college or moving away for work almost always lose touch with their old friends.
When it comes to making new friends, these can come from the workplace, but seldom lead to close bonds.
Women faced with similar circumstances often gather close friends when they have children. They spend time at nursery groups and then the school gates mixing with other women facing the same physical and emotional issues about which they can bond.
These friendships lead to the husbands and partners meeting up and the men getting to know each other, but this seldom reaches the same intensity of relationship.
Furthermore, if you divorce the chances are your friendships will wither away.
So, for men retiring and leaving the workplace interactions, there can be a feeling of loss especially as the wife or partner is likely have retained her circle of friends.
This situation does not bother some men who are quite content with their own company and do not need anything more than casual acquaintances, but for others it begs the question, what can be done.
Firstly, it’s easier to keep friends then to make new ones so to quote Samuel Johnson, “A man, sir, should keep his friendships in constant repair.”
On finding new friends, psychologist Dr Frank Sileo suggests joining in with things like community projects where you can connect through a shared purpose or interest. Then the hard bit. You need to follow the example of the women in your life and suggest going for a coffee or a bite to eat.
Putting time and effort in is key, Sileo says. Showing up and spending time is crucial to building important friendships.
“Quality counts here,” he said. “If you have a handful of friends that are quality, that’s better than having a slew of friends.”
Oscar Wilde had a couple of quotes on friendship.
“Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success”.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front”.
Another good quote is:
“A friend is someone to share your last cookie with”.
That’s from Cookie Monster. Sesame Street.
